and I’m not hurt

I’m suffering

from a case

of lose the attitude

please

Matthew

there’s one thing you need

and that’s – love.

How do we show love? Kindness, integrity, and grace. And those are my old 3 virtues. Somewhere along the line I lost them. Through all the people that I met. All the things I asked for in distress. And now, eagerly patient – I wait, honestly, for the sign that I never saw but knew. Jesus. Where was I 30 minutes ago. Where were you when I needed you. When was the time I could remember to control myself? About 30 minutes ago. And then it continues. I’m here, I’m alive. I deserve to live. I do. I’m writing this now because I believed it, I did. I know I do. I just needed that one blip, that one silence, to be different. The cigarette. What a powerful thing. It ran my life. It runs us all, I believe. Whether you’re on the one side or another. I was on a bit of both. Now I just want to see. See the truth, see the fun, the love, the mercy. And greatly, it’s so dark. It’s a dark book, it’s a black book, a red book, a white one or a green one. There are so many books. And I feel like I have them all – this darkened room of light and grace. How can I return them. It’s always something to give up. When I buy the cigarette, I feel like I owe something. And that’s the connection. I’m pleading for help I don’t need. Maybe – maybe you’re reading this. Maybe you saw the unsent messages, the blocked calls, the spam, the missed connections. Somewhere I want to believe this all happens for a reason. That where I am right now is where I’m supposed to be. I’m praying. I’m praying to see fruition. The only thing I don’t have is the one thing I need. Somewhere to share my host, somewhere to share my openness, somewhere to share something I missed.

Jesus responds, dude. He always does. The pastor once said – even if he’s not with you, he’s with you. Whoever you are, if you’re reading this, just remember the one thing I heard from a long time ago that I heard. And then I went too far. Then I went overboard, overdrive, override. There’s no tomorrow. There’s no today. There’s only history in my bloody timeless hourglass. How can I give it up when I couldn’t even find it. I need someone new. Some sort of hope. Some sort of soap from the woven tongue of the secret I never kept. The silence. What do you do in silence? Continue on.

When it’s silent, I pray. When it’s silent, I play. When it’s silent, I guess. When it’s silence I guess. I wait for a cue, I listen a moment or two, I see what I have, and usually behave. One time I didn’t, and that paid me back. I gave my own dad, a freaking heart attack.

God for the love of all things holy.

When I need to remember the lessons, the timing, the rhyming and clues,

Someone remember that I did love you too.

Replay the end of my world – and the dismay of a purple diamond grey.

Because when it was eerily quiet

I listened to that voice

And it said

You should smoke

And when I did

I realized

It’s all over, I might as well.

And that’s when I realized, days later, after everything I’ve gone through,

That I was the Gracie one.

That took me a long way back.

The hell and high-water I’ve been through. The drugs, the stress, the anxiety and meds. There’s not much anyone can do. I wish I can say on Halloween night that something helped. Maybe things did. But they’re not the solution. There is no end, no beginning. Time never stops, and people can’t control anything sometimes. I’ve said so many things I regret. Like Jesus even me, has no control over the things that are said, or I say, or what I do sometimes. And I don’t know why. I don’t know the reasons. I needed to find a few pieces of paper, a few things I was supposed to write, say or do. I was supposed to be like my dad my uncles my brothers my lord. And honestly it’s 1:00am, November 1st, and I have no idea how to respond to myself. I wanted it to go on forever the feeling, the weirdness, the connection with God. But now I realize, sometimes there is a little evil, there are demons, and I realize that without something to cope, there’s no life. I’m tired of saying sorry; I’m tired of screaming inside my head, I’m tired of feeling tired. And tonight I’m not. I don’t know who I’m selling this soul too. I’m basically just a passenger on the naked highway of a path my choices made for me my whole life. I really don’t want the sun to explode. If it did, it’d be an easy way to go. Would happen in an instant. It’d probably be the best way. I can’t steal any more time. Why? Time was never mine in the first place. Honestly, I’ve missed. I’ve missed big time

Memory is shot. Memory is shot. And God do I feel like a shot in the head right now. Nobody is calling. And when I’ve called, I’ve panicked. And the twists. My brain must be built by a guy with a maze in mind. Neverending winding tunnels of wind and always searching for cheese that I can’t seem to find. Just followed the voice to reason, and when I got there, I realized that for God’s sake, I’ve been chasing my own. Please someone, read it all. Read it all tomorrow. Read something I stole so many times. Read the time. Recoil. I’ve not got any ammo. Who am I, and what do I want from me? I’m truly alone here, truly alone. That’s even worse than silence. Then the silence sang. It sounded cold, sharp, and round. I realize I can’t stop. Until something does. And it doesn’t stop until after I do. That’s where life goes.

Workaholics any

Workaholics anonymous

How han I chep you

How can I ask

more mercy again

the sin is the same

I need a friend

I forgot the business day

and faught through the pain

only to realize – I live again

Christmas is coming,

eagerly slow,

sometimes I want to fly

Out the window,

Where is my shelter,

where is my name,

WHere is my choice,

Given her game,

how can I do, all that is right,

when the only people I see, aren’t tonight

When they stomp, I shieked

When they prayed, I listened

When they cooked, I cleaned,

When they slept, I worked

When I listened, they talked,

When they caused a commotion, I paniced

And when I settled, I ran

Is there a way to end the hell? Is there a way to see forgiveness through? One time and one moment, each day, I see the light sometimes. don’t steal it. don’t take it away. I am losing faith in my ability to hold on to the thought, to the whisper, and the chime, and I’m losing a little grace each day. I know why, but I can’t seem to stop it, and this writing is verbal and clear, my namesake and ally, my friend and my foe, my alter ego.

Should the day come, when I see the light,

The second remorse, of today’s followed fright,

I pray that we find, a cure for the pain,

The devil inside, is always the same,

And so I relight, a candle or two,

And sorry don’t gut it,

You gotta get through.

One morning I wake, a dazed and aloof,

And once I looked back, I saw it bluetooth.

Why can’t we go back,

Through sorrow and fame,

When twine was my mercy,

I lost a game.

So maybe today,

at 4 after 10,

I’ll leave the door open,

And remind myself again –

That after the calm,

Calms a very big storm,

And merci will have it,

I have all the norm.

And that’s what I fear, more than anyone else.

A second or third, or fifth little dance.

Where is the time, slipping today,

Where is the fame, of a guy who did pray,

Where is the sound, of silence and morse,

Where is the human, inside me of course.

So when I get through, this life or the past,

I realize I sometimes, go way too damn fast.

Hi Mom, Hi Dad,

Hi heather adam chloe and maeve

I’m around and I’m safe, I’m okay and I’m here, I’m at home in a mess, but at least that’s the clear,

And when I call you, I ask, for a little bit of cheer, I ask you to say, that poetry is hey,

I wonder if you, are at church or at park, I wonder if you, are doing the same,

I wonder if I am always alone, but not in the slightest, when I am at home,

For neighbours abound, in apartment F28, are smiling and playing, and giving the name,

When I woke up, I felt happy today, and then I went through emotions, I even got to game,

I went to the store, I went to the bank,

I am doing some writing, and it’s quiet to think,

I like the nice weather, I like all the books,

One I just read, had Chloe’s real nooks,

And when I read I think, it’s Elizabeth and me,

But George and the King, the simultaneous day,

Yesterday was weird, that’s truly the truth,

I’ve been struggling but I’m weird, and He is aloof. But maybe I can say, that when I go home,

Christmas and Halloween, you’re never alone. There’s people who talk, there’s people who pray,

There’s people who want to start business today. With shoes and with jeans, in black or in grey,

I’m sitting here thinking, of all of you today.

I want you to go to the lake and to ask,

Where did I go wrong Matt, I gave you some tasks.

So perfect was just a picture away – and I guess there’s only the light, the truth and the way.

So when the time comes, to see you again,

I know there’s more than just, me and my one.

Even though, sometimes, I see her around,

I left it behind, and trust me I frown,

I didn’t do well, I tried to just listen,

When she needed a hug, all we did was christen,

A black little box, or green or in white,

I gave her a chance, to see second light.

And thank you for reading, all of this today,

His timing was good, and here’s what to say,

We love the same things, the food and the matter,

What can I do, or what how to create laughter,

A piece of paper and a ring, a flower and a pen,

It’s always really hard, when she comes home again.

So maybe when I see her, I could finally say aloud,

That I wasn’t perfect, timing allowed. Maybe the girl has a mouth and a voice,

And sometimes I thought, I didn’t have a choice.

In meter and probably 40, and probably more,

I wanted to say that the girl was a whore,

But truly she just needed, something I need too,

A little bit of cheer, and a twenty or two.

So I am working alone, most of the day,

To save the real light, no trigger today.

Maybe I will call, maybe I will dance,

Maybe when I next see her, I will pee my pants,

But she and he knows, the guy is the same,

When all you have is Jesus, you realize a name,

Can have power or safety, fear or regret,

What does this mean, and how to forget?

You walk the fine line, between white or the black,

And yesterday after work, I didn’t have a heart attack.

I pray for the guy, who I might’ve turned,

I pray that the people around will all learn,

That I am just lonely, and then there were more,

And one time or many,

I go through the door.

The memories of home and just whispers and noise,

I realize each time, that I have a choice.

It’s crazy, it’s mercy, it’s all the wonderful words.

It’s stories, it’s artwork, it’s meals and remorse,

So when I go wrong, I always run away,

Matthew is home and around here today.

More works and paper, more things to do,

I have no idea, how to bless you;

The things that I thought, keep going back in two.

And whatever you write, you will see again,

So when I am done, it’s continue again.

I know I get high, I get low and I get mad,

The words are so plain, and that drives me sad,

But when you are with me, I thank God for that,

Because you gave me my life, each panic attack.

I’m not sure if my laundry, is done or it’s not,

There’s more words on screens, paper and whatnot,

Secrecy here, and secrecy there,

Wonder why sometimes I know,

That life is – just fair. (Because of the weather, I think forward too, I honestly sometimes, have no idea what to do).

So thankful honestly, for this moment to type,

Maybe I always say more than I think,

And that might just be right.

It’s like when you take things fairly literally I think. It’s a rough thing these days, companies take a lot of English and make it so hard at times to determine what people are really talking about unless there’s a reminder of the context somewhere which is easily forgotten.

And that I did. It got eerily quiet. And it’s like some old angel or flame spoke to me, and said – hey – I love you for who you are – maybe you shouldn’t do that. But it wasn’t until now that I realized it. After the first two. I wish I could tell you how to beat the system, but I can’t, the silence screamed so loud – and I just didn’t want to wait at the bus stop because of a news broadcast that scared me. A car drove into the bus stop about two weeks ago. And people were injured. Two women. I should have seen it as a sign, but it took that long to figure it out.

And now I’m $19.97 in the hole until Friday.

I finally called the Smoker’s Helpline

I thought I could do it alone, but truth is, there are really only a few things you do alone.

You come into this world, you fight to survive, and then you go. Sometimes you do things like listen to music, watch TV, play a game, read a book, play some sports, cook, eat, have a drink, or just sit back and put your feet up. Sometimes you lose a little control – sometimes you let yourself get into a dark place, because someone you know or knew is not around, and sometimes you have patience, other times you don’t. In the start, it’s not easy – you fight the good will of your upbringing, you might have to endure some hard times, you might have to make some sacrifices. Truthfully, you can do it all – you can do almost anything, and I say almost, because truth is that the good will of God is greater than the will of yourself. The pastor says it, your boss encourages it, and your sister or brother might know better than anything else. You are always just you, and that’s what needs to change, not the things you can’t control –

In between or up or down

In the end when you frown,

You see a light turned upside down,

but with a grace, in 5, or 10,

There’s a reason,

Life begins again.

So choose the light, to save yourself. Choose the day you won the fight, choose the name you got alright. Let it be the grace you’re given – let it be sex or heaven. Let it be, the person who, never stopped to believe in you. You can do it, you can run, but in the end, the day will be won. Whoever God is, whoever is right, I will always, do it with a second sight.

There is more to life than just a game. Roleplaying, all the same. That’s ok, and it’s a day, you will have to learn to forgive maybe.

So how long it lasts, the silence calls. The angel of death, or the cross. Choose the cross, and choose the guy, who did it all, before end of fall. 🙂 I will get through, I will get through. There’s more to this than me and you.

It said I was married,

It lasted a while,

It’s over now,

Security is in

Home is safe,

Work is good,

I’ll have faith,

That when I die,

I’ll be ok,

As long as it’s,

Not today 🙂

I hit my break

And then

Something different happened

I aired out my laundry

But then I took a step back

Proceeded mindfully

Lied a few times

And resided at home

Peacefully and in time

To save my own soul

From mind control

Did you use me?

Did you ask?

Did you spin

A wearer’s task?

I’m so thankful

That I’m not

Just a blood filled afterthought

And yes I write

Some magic too

But lord Jesus

What else can you do?

I’m sitting at the laundromat,

Fighting nature’s wrath

But sadly it’s uncontrollable

Sometimes I do laugh

To think I have any control

Over what you say

And I’m not sorry that I saw the game

And tried to save the day

That was yesterday,

And maybe now

I can relax,

And enjoy now.

I’m asking you

If you’re reading

What is this,

That you are feeling?

A little fun?

A little game?

A little bit of my love’s gain?

I know you well,

You spend a lot,

My chair is over

And I admit it’s tough

But when I wait

I huff and puff.

And I bet that

You do too

Sometimes there’s still the thought of you.

And you’re sometimes mad, but I forgive you.