Author: Clear

An old prayer and to do list

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

 New glasses

– Medication

– Gym membership (maybe)

– Computer repair

– Return library book

– Print additional resumes

– Attend group at church

– Attend seminar at community job centre

– Finish painting

– Submit job applications

– Prepare for interviews

– Charge quartz crystals (GW2)

– Eat

– Shower

– Wash clothes

– Keep in touch with friends

– Keep in touch with recruiters (Rob, Amy)

– File taxes

– Update internet password

– Update internet plan

– Pay phone bill

– Pay rent

– Pay power bill

– Pay internet bill

– Practice memory games

– DO this stuff

– Call grandparents

– Write daily journal

– Go for walks

– Smoke

– Eat eggs

– Drink redbull type drinks

You want icecream right now

– Exercise

– Watch TV

– Listen to the news

– Read a new book

– Loook up schedule for the job centre

– Attend a job fair

– Email some of my closer contacts to ask them about open positions

– Find out about new job search boards

– Get some rest

– Finish the dishes

– Lock the doors

– Check the mail

– Attend church

– Watch Wednesday Prayer

– Prepare for small group on Friday

– Vacuum

– Sweep

– Put clothes away

– Read bible

– Get printer ink

– Do a puzzle

– Play wow

– Connect with Wow friends

– Sell paintings

– Give away old unused items

– Do a random act of kindness

– Get lightbulbs

– Put in maintenance requests for work to be done in building and apartment

– Wash bathroom

– Urinate

– Shit

– Ejaculate

– Clean ears

– Buy shampoo

– Talk to self in mirror

– Listen to music

– Work on side business

– Home renovation

– How to do all this stuff with the time I got when I’m not motivated?

– Charge headset

– Charge phone

– Replace mouse battery

– Write book

– Come up with answers to common interview questions

– Sit and mull

– Call crisis line

– Scavenge for items people leave behind

– Play CDs

– Get CDs from library

– Watch porn

– Message sister

– Buy gifts for family

– Clean closet

– Donate used clothes

– Replace items for doing the above

– Bargain shop

– Water plants

– Visit plant store

– Put away dishes

– Hang and put away clothes

– Fluff pillows

– Make bed

– Search internet for ideas

– Email self

– Connect with new people on linkedin

– Update resume

– Update cover letter

– Think about the past

– Worry

– (-No daydreaming)

– Muse

– Roleplay

– Search for inspiration

– Cry

– Get angry

– Pace the floors

– Call someone I know to talk to them

– Vape

– Listen to upstairs neighbours

– Bang on walls

– Bang on floor

– Bang on ceiling

– Spill things

– Cook pasta dinner

– Talk to google device

– Talk to portal device

– Talk to self

– Mumble

– (-don’t spit)

– Type

– Write emails to self

– Write to do lists

– Play connect the dots

– Rearrange furniture

– Contemplate life

– Contemplate death

– Contemplate magic

– Contemplate previous family history

– Think about old proverbs

– Think about symbolism

– Pronounce thoughts in head

– Fight against self doubt

– Work on ambitions for the future

– Think about all the good things I’ve done or that have happened to me

– Practice being mindful of friends and neighbours

– Give ammo to young boys that are bored

– Have phone sex

– Sext

– Cause trouble in the hallways (in a subtle retractable manner)

– Spin in chair

– Dance

– Look around at apartment and how beautiful it is

– Smirk

– Turn around and see the world outside is okay weather wise

– Overthink words and their meanings

– Invent new ways to look at things

– Remember previous loves

– Delete and retrace things that I’ve regretted

– Send messages to old flings

– Create new thoughts in my head about positivity

– Hang up coats and hats

– Find things I didn’t know I had

– Move around the artwork in my apartment

– Smell things in my apartment

– Fart

– Burp

– Listen to my gut

– Whisper sweet nothings in my ear

– Argue with the frustrating things I hear in music

– Smile when someone says something nice to me

– Encourage others through kind words

– Tap on keyboard

– Give away and then pick up items I own that I should keep for sentimental reasons

– Take clothes laying outside to the donation bin

– Take out the garbage

– Look at the racoons eating out of the garbage

– Predict if neighbours are outside

– Sing

– Play with lighter fire

– Buy stuff at the stores I like

– Overspend

– Look at financial plan

– Try finding ways to save money

– Suffer in silence

– Acting normal

– Contemplate finishing this list soon

– Repurpose items that haven’t been used in a while

– Put glasses on

– Put glasses down on table only to lose them again

– Make coffee

– Make tea

– Drink milk

– Boil water in kettle for soup

– Buy nespresso cups for coffee machine

– Make toast

– Eat honey

– Buy margarine

– Replenish eggs

– Cook perogies

– Wash pans and coriander

– Use spices on food

– Hoarde gifts for later in life for my nieces

– Online shopping

– Watch the time go by

– Listen to the clock

– Wash the tea towels

– Wash the bath towels

– Throw items into garbage that are useless for me

– Donate money to charity

– Talk to stuffed animals

– Hug animals

– Say sweet or kind things to friendly neighbourhood pets

– Turn lights on or off

– Imagine what life could be if it were simpler

– Find my virtues

– Find my values

– Assert my values

– Fall prey to life’s temptations

– Fix mistakes

– Regret

– Double think

– Race

– Hear new sounds

– Watch the cars go by

– Listen to building bustle

– Nod head

– Doze off

– Fuck something up

– Fuck someone

– Repeat?

– Invent again

– Smoke again

– Regret

– Wow

– GW2

– Lose track of thoughts

– Improvise

– Sit

– Pay attention to surroundings

– Pray for life

– Hear the music

– Conjure purpose

– Wonder what to do with the present

– Wonder if the past affects the present

– Lose track of internal thought

– Pull internal thought back

– Wonder when to stop

– Get tired

– Feel body noises and feelings

– Overpush

– Overclock

– Make more mistakes

– Sttttttooooooppppppppppp.

– Remember to add something to list whist making some mistakes

– Accept imperfection

– Turn head

– Remember that my vape needs charged soon

– Wonder why I started this list

– Perfect opportunity to talk to something or someone

– Typing is some relief because of my computer usage being quite high this week. I’m trying to turn it into a perfect way to end the night but that means I will contemplate death and onwards because I didn’t stop at the most opportunite time. The thought changes back to time, and I lose or choose to ignore it. The internet is watching me sometimes, of course, that’s AI or whatnot, and I wish that there was some more income and growth in my life, and that the people surrounding me would be as blessed as sometimes I have felt. I am thankful for the chances I have and do take everyday to make myself into a better person, and I pray that going forward I would put my mind towards more positive interaction, calming repose, and also potentially that I will seize the future opportunities (i mean, if they’re safe for me). I know risk, change, growth and capitulization are important, and God has shown me that everyday I do more than I realize, and that means I have to choose positively and proactively as well how I will lead myself and others into a better self. 

– I can’t do everything in one day, and there’s a lot more I’ve done that I can’t even add to this list because it would be eternally endless – but I know that with the power I have, I will continue to make all the necessary choices to survive.

God makes it possible, I make it happen.

Cheers,

Matthew

P.S. I love you

What’s allowed?

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

You’re trying hard. You know you are,

But just can’t get ahead.

If the voices scream, the whispers scare,

The thoughts are automatic,

I don’t know what to pray for now,

But a kinder story,

And though it’s not really going too bad,

I begin to worry.

Have you been

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Writing to a ghost inside,

A place where the hearts timer resides,

Waiting and beating patiently,

Seeing more than I can see,

Or when it bumps it up a notch,

Can you see spirits inner knocks,

Or where I lay could you make it safe,

To lay without churning instead.

And though my Cantor’s a tempo’d tune,

I report to outer moons delight.

So where promise met the evil bread,

A turn a day to inside light,

Beyond one word I never hide.

Freedom came and went,

Policed it quite all wrong,

Priest met Italy’s inner thread,

And one dear man is better said,

And then was all the little kittens,

And God met canines littered vein,

So without hiding anymore song,

I’ll say I managed it quite wrong,

Solely surely slowly good,

Will be better for the neighbourhood.

Mr. Matthew

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

Six eight

Eight three

All the verses me?

Can I also spare another kind,

To let the spirit be?

I know you Jesus,

You do good,

You use it if we ain’t;

And your divine is something else,

Though escape it must be saint…

Thank you Lord for all your patience,

Whoever you choose to be,

I often end it up with free,

But today I just thank thee.

Literally generous to a fault

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When I feel good, I get generous, but then I usually regret, I don’t know why I do it, but it could be to forget, or just to pass the time, or say thank you once again, to keep the ball rolling, I do it once again. I’m tired of being good, when some have done so little, and I’m tired of the chore, it takes to keep it little.

I honestly don’t know why it happens. I’m trying to hang on. Sometimes I feel so good, then it all goes wrong. And no matter what I do, I can’t seem to unrepeat, and even if I scream, or pray I do repeat. I just want it back, the gifts I’m freely given, just because she’s evil, doesn’t mean she can keep seething. I feel truly like one, voice of all the pain, was a girl I tried to give, her freedom once again. Yet she never felt it me ?, I never knew it then, and when I try to run, she twists around again. I have no outlet to unwind, lest she know it all, and me because I do it, or say it not at all. It’s seemingly impossible, to do everything at once, and I doubt the really good ones, and even a lonely vice. So what am I to do, I can’t seem to lose nor win. When I have either option, they take it all again. I guess my prayers are, that by the time I look back at this, I’ll have done what I said a little, and found a happy bliss. Or when you read it too, you’ll let old demons go, even if I haven’t, I’m not sure what else to sow. I basically do it out of habit, and even well at that, I know there is a life, outside of me as Matt.

I think the trick is…

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

Not to care

Not to think

Not anywhere

Not to speak evil

To wear white

To dress warm

And sleep tight

And to eat well

And brush your teeth

Ignore all vices

And underneath,

To thank the Lord

Through thick and thin

Even if you lose,

He always wins.

And to wait a minute,

Before you dash,

And save some money,

And give some cash,

And living forever,

Is not that fun,

Diamonds are best,

But gold is fun.

And kids have merit,

Elders too,

Purple seems crazy,

But so is blue.

And voices are weapons,

Crafted from tears,

And voices of fears,

Haunt for years.

And solely your wards,

Come back throughout time,

And saying it once,

Is never mind,

So just tell us it’s over,

That you’re hitting your break,

That you’ll crave it all,

For goodness’es sake

Just in timing

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

But not him

But yet her

Could be now

Maybe then

So you say it

Once or twice

So you have it

Once too nice

So you asked,

Once or more,

Once I wrote it,

Once or ignore?

Once is enough

One is two

Two is nothing

Three for you

Four is over,

Gives a lot

And then it’s there

I forgot,

And then I know,

I rush to cope,

I turn evil,

A wee bit knot,

A little prayer,

A written verse,

A timed out pace,

This universe…

Stuck with that,

So I think,

Then I begging,

Overthink.

Surely sore,

Muscles too,

Written over,

Door and through,

300 meters,

Heard it back,

It’s so old,

A panic attack,

But yet I wait,

And around this time,

And she calls it out,

Another rhyme,

When I know,

I give it happy,

When I wow, I take a nappy

Then I lengthen, out a word,

Written one more, this song absurd.

Timing comfort

Timing okay

Timing perfect

Are we okay?

I might not be,

The internet public,

I am retiring,

Banning sublick

And so I go

Home to me

Another day in

Privacy

And just so you know

Just in time

I was supplying

Afterrhyme

Perfect timing out…

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

With one of those, I write it out again,

A little prayer, a little Zen,

A little new, a little old,

A little up, a little bold,

But not through usual means.

I find peace in rain, in games and books,

And all those little picky sooks,

Although Christmas is once a year,

I hold angels, Christ, and IT near,

And though it may not be imperfect when,

I do it or perfect, when is then –

A little boy that I once was,

Doubled, tripled, and used his sign,

And yet I know that’s a good line,

To say what can I do for you or him or her,

But tu take a moment and concur,

That life is such a fleeting song,

Whether right or whether wrong,

And broken though maybe I can be,

Maybe this is

Me

I could use perfect timing today to feel happy again

~ Clear ~ Leave a comment

It may be only a quartz,

It may be only a pen,

It may be only a symbol,

Before it begins again,

It may just white smoke,

It may be written in,

It may be holy water,

Or something paper thin.

I don’t know what I’m asking,

Or how to fix it at any,

I don’t know what I continue,

Even when I haven’t many,

I pick them up at six,

I put them down at 2,

I’m writing out a song,

I never knew I knew,

I ask nobody here,

To take their life in jest,

I can’t rewrite rewards,

I can’t do it in a test,

I wonder what I’m thinking,

The minds become so empty,

And yet again I’m here,

With 9 to 12 too many.

I can’t figure out how to end it,

When history repeats,

I’m calling every night,

Out of my own defeat,

I wrote perfect timing down,

I sixed it out at 10, I see it’s only back,

When holy was at Sven,

And solely in just hurting,

I pray in rhyme to us,

Little little mercies,

And timings so unjest,

401 it’s now,

I can’t end the painful orders,

I’m calling for a mercy,

To help someone build borders,

I want to just speak out,

Waste them and use hers,

Stop at twenty five,

And reline the coastal words,

And build a story I could justify,

With a little howl out,

To say it’s been 3 years,

Of perfect timing doubt,

And whose words I hear all day,

In my head or ears,

Has made me stone cold soldier,

At thirty nine real years,

Of sowing weaving contempt,

Of little things I hide,

I probably made a million,

Burn in narrows wide.

Sorry that I can’t. Do the thing I can. Do the thing I ponder, or the thing too choose, do the thing to want its perfect timing blues.

Time to change / Time to heal

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It’s been like a spinner’s wheel,

A time stolen and given in to grace,

A perfect time and perfect place,

To rest beneath a seal,

And though I’ve lamented every moment,

I know that love is right,

And though I break my rules sometimes,

I can’t give into fright,

So that my body will be a symbol,

Of all that it once was,

And surely though it takes so long,

I capture one more night,

To write to anyone listening,

As I bow down to pray,

That when the timing comes and maybe goes,

There’s a hero for the day.