Does it mean they think I’m stupid?

Does it mean they think I’m useless?

Does it mean they think I’m dying?

Does it mean they think I need help?

What is help?

What help do I need?

Where does one find this help?

What does finding it mean?

Will

I was outside, wandered, felt a weird pull to the bank. Took out $5. Wished I had more, thought I should decline the transaction from the ATM, that is to say I’m not sure where $5 went. $9.02 for two Samosa burgers.

At the library my friend saw a comic book, I saw, then we saught another, wonder woman, trigger, then a lapse and finally home.

Wondering if I should head outside into the foray again, I have 3:31 on the clock and maybe enough time and patience… without a trigger I hope for a few more minutes.

Really, I sit here at the door with the dog waiting for guests to a family home. A little regret. I have an article for her birthday, I’ll post it on the 6th.

Hope you are having a good afternoon. You, you, yes, you. Yeah…. yo. Time to choose lol I think someone is here…

Heading like a madman to crime infested waters (are we sure, architect?) That the renown fails the time to speak. I have messages slowly , slowly, calming water, free coffee but despite the allure, I realize my comma comma chameleon…

Anyway. It’s Saturday. My sister celebrates today her birthday, I celebrate her birth, I head to the lake perhaps should I swim? Dan, my friend, who used to room with me, would like to meet up, here or there. I know the logic confounds, an instant release of sent patience break. Text.

What is a title? More than name, a role, a position.

Blanket printer. Loom. Wanted.

3:00 to let go.

I have packed a bag, got my supplies. Aimed for Redhill but then demise-wise? Wanting coffee, missed a bus. Saw a spider think of us. Wandered home, coffee chilled, ate the donut to no thrill. Dad went out as I sat outdoors, warning came for salesman whores. Laughed inside and felt allured, attempted business – oops not insured.

Left some messages, throughout the day. Honestly all I want is to have some play. Church almost ends about this time, I was early to be late- not a crime. Lying is so I digress, I took a picture of a man’s chest. Weirdly noticed he was hot, offered water, not my cock. This is getting awkward fast, hence the message dare not pass the filter of my perogative mind, I’ll save it, fail it, and

Answer your original message?

Needing prayers. I actually cry when I’m nice to my family and then manage to get angry. I owe repentance, so I paid the fine I was given by mom in triple, stupidly thinking money is the cure. Warning myself is useless, and I’m wanting to be on my game, A – right now I’m laughing when I should be disappointed, beat up, I feel bad, I have so much.

So yeah God I am sorry I didn’t make it out today. I know you enjoy prayers and worship. Often I do, yet time flows so disruptively I sometimes question my potential to connect – pushing a rock with no gravity, kind of counter.

So yeah. If Heaven listens to voicemail, I hope the next time I call I leave a message.

Xoxo

Sundays are only a few hours long (wren’t they. It must be Valentine’s Day. That was a repeat of my sexual history in a nutshell. There’s a high chance you will see a lot of deleted messages.

This guy is
The sky is
Disguise

I had the Barenaked Ladies song “Old Apartment” going through my head as I prepared for church.

I’m happy God speaks to me. I need to work on my fellowship with Jesus. And I know the women in my life are my holy spirit, technology is that weird line between neutral and evil.

Did I earn $25 or a laugh?

Feel like you should calstics bliss into salvidor cali?

It’s been a messy period of life for me. Autocorrect saves me sometimes, yet not in verbal. Things to deal with my own cancerian dialect can be frustrating to me as much as someone else. But I have to focus. I wish others would focus a little more too, maybe they are. Relatively, personally, I can identify with most people I guess. Maybe you can too. This is likely nothing new. I find when I feel most down or most alone, the thing I do is mostly panic, or sometimes I get angry, or I get sleepless, frustrated, even a little desparate for attention and definitely down. These are normal thoughts, and I just want you to know that. If you’re reading my blog, my life history has been very sporadic because I have lived in a little bubble of reclusivity for a long time, afraid to approach the things I’ve truly wanted to do with a certain sense of truth and grace. The result has been disasterous. I have experienced much in life, and I find that time itself seems to not pass the judgement very fairly. Sometimes there’s a space where we all have to take 5, 10, 20 minutes even to reflect and look back through our lives and tell a better story. I know sometimes nobody wants to be that guy, the one where everyone is watching and has to perform. I get a sense of thrill out of the attention, but the fading light of reality is that sometimes there is a certain control that stems us into what we’re supposed to do. I don’t know how I feel about this, personally, but perhaps I could allude to a better picture of myself even, if I could win on the “right moment”, that rush is very relieving. It doesn’t have to be perfect, sometimes simple things like feeding myself, getting a haircut, and taking a few breaks to unwind with my thoughts would be better. That’s why I’m writing this today.

Otherwise, I would say yes. Yes to the things you want and need. If it means opening up the door and going inside, taking a deep breath, and enjoying the scenery of your own apartment for a little while, or if it means taking a walk, going for a hike, treasure hunting, or dancing in your own style, then do it! Your ego is the better have of you. I’d not work on the troublesome thoughts too much, and release some tension. Brendan Burchard once said “Close your eyes, think ‘Release tension, create intention'”. Trust me, sometimes I wish I would remember that too. It’s a warzone. The world is not going to stop you from yourself. Or if it does, trust me, you might not believe it. I hope you do. There’s been situations where I’ve felt very alone, very dark, very reliant on medication and drugs, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to cope sometimes, but don’t let it win. If you get the chance to lie or live out with flashbacks, it’s not a great feeling, but then you take that one more step. There are more steps in there than you can imagine, and you have to stay still sometimes to look and see what’s around you. Don’t let them get you Matt. That’s what my old supervisor used to tell me. Don’t let them get to you. Thoughts are private, you are alone, and sometimes that’s the best feeling. When you open a door, if you cross the street and get a wave, if you offer up a moment of kindness to someone else, a hug, even a dollar or more, then you truly are doing something for both you and someone else. It’s good to give. I hated trying to be someone I wasn’t. Truth is, I really am just someone in the middle, sometimes. Literally, and figuratively. The actors and the deceivers around you, there are good people. I hope you know God that well to say, hey, not everything is perfect here and I want to actually help out. God doesn’t do all the work evidently, and I wish to say that my problems are over. Yet they’re not. Only a handful of people in the world offer you support, and I find that without a sense of purpose, clarity, drive, honesty, love, and vision, there is no hope. What is my purpose? To help you generate something special for yourself and create a sense of warmth, love, calm and peace, and to help you create a vision for your future, to create a love for the work you do, to allow you to be honest, to have a sense of peace about your family and friends, and to give you back your sense of hope that your good memories will be abundant and successful in everything that you do.

We have reached the conclusion that this might seem like the best thing to learn.

Dec 20, 2018

It’s only when I’m comfortable that I’m uncomfortable,

My voice disparingly stern,

I sing in lower octave how

I yonder to ever learn.

In time I have tested and made a choice,

I preferred it not this way – I think

Before I knew I had a choice,

I lost it with a wink. Or blink.

Or returning now to louder song,

I wonder if it’s never gone,

We crow the average little guy in,

And here he lie to write a grin?

–

Lol. Poetry ~ for average little losers, no not, I disagree. I like the verb in common tense, at last I need not pee.

Haha.

❣

Worse? Perhaps. Toss, tululaugh,

Missed connection, divine invention,

There’s more you can do than bite two~ catch. Fetch it, find the door, renown a jacket with a shoe to the right, miss-stepped, touched, looked, non-blight. Lie for air, breathe, open up,

Quest. Mission of biligerence, undrunk, backwards thought, paying less to lessen more (lesson) what? Turn it, criss cross butter sauce I predict my mind unhint,

What delusion, yours? Framed, it’s bought. I tried, now bitter, will it get done for you in time, my love language… you don’t care to understand, I don’t understand how to care.

Barrier – death – impulsive implicated design. I had no choice, it wasn’t mine – I live in shell – reflected magic~ if only…

CARBUNCLE

Do your worries get preyed upon? If you show weakness, or let down the walls for a second, you have to have your strength there.

Hey. Maybe I messed up. I do that sometimes. I look for attention too, but you are important.

Send.

It’s a strange game, we’ll get the hang of it. Where is the book I’m looking for… transparent?

Maybe it is still being written.