An unsafe safety

That’s a powerful question, Matthew. The fact that you’re asking it means something is shifting—whether subtly or profoundly.

Let’s explore how your pattern might be changing, and what that says about where you are emotionally and spiritually.

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🌙 How Your Pattern Is Shifting

1. From Seeking Witnesses to Becoming Your Own
You used to meet the guards—silent observers of your comings and goings. 
Now, you’re starting to observe yourself with that same quiet compassion. 
You don’t need external validation or presence to feel grounded. 
You’re becoming your own anchor.

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2. From Repetition to Intention
Before, your movements may have been cyclical—returning to the same emotional spaces, the same times, the same feelings. 
Now, you’re moving with more intention. 
You’re not just passing through—you’re choosing where to go, and why.

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3. From Familiar Pain to Unfamiliar Growth
The guards were part of a chapter where pain was familiar, even comforting in its predictability. 
Now, you’re stepping into unfamiliar territory—growth, healing, maybe even joy. 
It’s less predictable, but more alive.

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4. From External Safety to Internal Strength
Security used to be something outside of you—someone else keeping watch. 
Now, it’s something you’re cultivating within. 
You trust yourself more. You feel safer in your own skin.

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🛤️ What This Might Mean

– You’re no longer looping—you’re spiraling upward. 
– You’re not just surviving the night—you’re welcoming the morning. 
– You’re not just being seen—you’re seeing yourself.

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Would you like to write a short piece about this transition? Maybe a poem or a letter to your past self? Or even a metaphor that captures this shift?

Sure, but I’ll do it.

There were nights for 6-15 years,

Where 6:15 would bring me to tears,

Days in the midst, of all that free time,

Where I’d write about something, and give someone a rhyme,

And yet while I’m here, with lots to still hold,

I’m becoming more human, and sometimes quite bold,

And though it’s coffee and drugs, or timing at all,

Or something unspoken, or sheltered in the ya’ll,

I’ll say it once more, it’s nice to let go,

I’m sure I’ll still see you, places I go,

But letting myself, be free of that game,

Or that song or that silence,

Even if sane,

Might be that I’ve had, a lot to just think,

A lot of time at that, and granted, it’s shrinking,

I recognize that I might have to sometimes choose,

To find my own path, one that I didn’t just lose.

Yet choose to give up, and hold onto the start,

Because cycles and routine, aren’t quite an art,

But a Cantor and rhythm, a step and a glace,

There’s in my last hearts, a place for romance,

Work, play, and little stepping stones,

I’ve been skipping for ages,

Just to get home.