I don’t know how to do it. Everything reminds me of this detrimental routine and the struggling is brutal, it’s just so frustrating. I really want to quit but I’ve been doing well, although the debt problem is so real. Basically if I wasn’t drowning in debt, things would be perfect. I wish I knew how to do this by myself. It feels like I’m missing another half and the endless small successes followed by these sort of impulsive routine failures… I wish I knew how or why you quit, quit smoking, quit arguing, quit complaining… Is that just what I need to do? Those three things? Jesus… It’s these nights alone… With so much time to wait… It’s like I enjoy the misery, although I don’t. What am I supposed to do, Dad? I’m really faking it and I don’t think I’m ever going to make it if mom or Heather or anyone don’t reach out to me more than every few weeks. I know I’ve been distant my whole life but have I really hurt people so much they won’t just try to lighten up on me? It’s not like I ever chose to be sick, or fired, or single, these things just happened to me, and I’ve been fighting harder than most of the population given my hand in life. That’s what everyone else tells me. That I’m resilient, self-aware, and that I always push to bounce back after many failures or problems. I don’t exactly know why I’m writing all this but I’m tired of this particular routine in many ways, and I know the secrets and things I harbour are many not your problem, but I really … I guess I’ll try to just have faith and shut up; you probably would have said that by now. Lol… *Sigh* I’ve written so many messages before I’ve never sent. I really just want to have some forgiveness, and to hope to forgive myself. I guess I’m just writing to you because I’m trying to get help… But my whole life you’ve already done a lot and especially in the past months and I’m feeling sorry for myself and annoyed with my routine behaviours and I would like to relax and maybe take my life with a little maturity and grace, despite that I have this tendency to both run and hide. Especially behind a screen. I’m sorry for that. I’m getting better at having conversations. I’m just sitting on a time bomb and am occasionally freaking out behind closed doors or in private. I guess you’d tell me just to get on with it and do what I gotta do. The long-winded history I’m sure we’d all love to fix but maybe it’s not possible and we all have our worries. I overthink everything and then by the time I get ready to send or say something, I’ve answered myself. It would still be better to have heard it from someone else. There doesn’t seem to be many someone else’s these days. Just the same old demons. The same patterns are comforting, but they’re destroying the soul of who I’ve been. I hope this is normal. Lol. The irony is despite everything, I’m remarkably more normal than maybe you or the family thinks I am. It’s just that I’ve only being hearing it from people I’ll likely never meet. I’ve called helplines thousands of times.
Tldr; I really don’t know. I don’t know what to make of my own thoughts, I’m happy but I’m worried, and I’m doing great, bouncing back, and I guess I just like writing a lot. Lol
And I guess, I wish I had some help that I also simultaneously don’t want to ask for, because it’s truly not your problem, and I doubt I deserve it although I don’t know how to fix the problem on my own.
This is usually about the time I delete the message slowly because of aforementioned reasoning.
Clear & Precise Resumes 