I’m her

and I’m not hurt

I’m suffering

from a case

of lose the attitude

please

Matthew

there’s one thing you need

and that’s – love.

How do we show love? Kindness, integrity, and grace. And those are my old 3 virtues. Somewhere along the line I lost them. Through all the people that I met. All the things I asked for in distress. And now, eagerly patient – I wait, honestly, for the sign that I never saw but knew. Jesus. Where was I 30 minutes ago. Where were you when I needed you. When was the time I could remember to control myself? About 30 minutes ago. And then it continues. I’m here, I’m alive. I deserve to live. I do. I’m writing this now because I believed it, I did. I know I do. I just needed that one blip, that one silence, to be different. The cigarette. What a powerful thing. It ran my life. It runs us all, I believe. Whether you’re on the one side or another. I was on a bit of both. Now I just want to see. See the truth, see the fun, the love, the mercy. And greatly, it’s so dark. It’s a dark book, it’s a black book, a red book, a white one or a green one. There are so many books. And I feel like I have them all – this darkened room of light and grace. How can I return them. It’s always something to give up. When I buy the cigarette, I feel like I owe something. And that’s the connection. I’m pleading for help I don’t need. Maybe – maybe you’re reading this. Maybe you saw the unsent messages, the blocked calls, the spam, the missed connections. Somewhere I want to believe this all happens for a reason. That where I am right now is where I’m supposed to be. I’m praying. I’m praying to see fruition. The only thing I don’t have is the one thing I need. Somewhere to share my host, somewhere to share my openness, somewhere to share something I missed.

Jesus responds, dude. He always does. The pastor once said – even if he’s not with you, he’s with you. Whoever you are, if you’re reading this, just remember the one thing I heard from a long time ago that I heard. And then I went too far. Then I went overboard, overdrive, override. There’s no tomorrow. There’s no today. There’s only history in my bloody timeless hourglass. How can I give it up when I couldn’t even find it. I need someone new. Some sort of hope. Some sort of soap from the woven tongue of the secret I never kept. The silence. What do you do in silence? Continue on.

When it’s silent, I pray. When it’s silent, I play. When it’s silent, I guess. When it’s silence I guess. I wait for a cue, I listen a moment or two, I see what I have, and usually behave. One time I didn’t, and that paid me back. I gave my own dad, a freaking heart attack.

God for the love of all things holy.

When I need to remember the lessons, the timing, the rhyming and clues,

Someone remember that I did love you too.

Replay the end of my world – and the dismay of a purple diamond grey.