I can’t settle

Because when it was eerily quiet

I listened to that voice

And it said

You should smoke

And when I did

I realized

It’s all over, I might as well.

And that’s when I realized, days later, after everything I’ve gone through,

That I was the Gracie one.

That took me a long way back.

The hell and high-water I’ve been through. The drugs, the stress, the anxiety and meds. There’s not much anyone can do. I wish I can say on Halloween night that something helped. Maybe things did. But they’re not the solution. There is no end, no beginning. Time never stops, and people can’t control anything sometimes. I’ve said so many things I regret. Like Jesus even me, has no control over the things that are said, or I say, or what I do sometimes. And I don’t know why. I don’t know the reasons. I needed to find a few pieces of paper, a few things I was supposed to write, say or do. I was supposed to be like my dad my uncles my brothers my lord. And honestly it’s 1:00am, November 1st, and I have no idea how to respond to myself. I wanted it to go on forever the feeling, the weirdness, the connection with God. But now I realize, sometimes there is a little evil, there are demons, and I realize that without something to cope, there’s no life. I’m tired of saying sorry; I’m tired of screaming inside my head, I’m tired of feeling tired. And tonight I’m not. I don’t know who I’m selling this soul too. I’m basically just a passenger on the naked highway of a path my choices made for me my whole life. I really don’t want the sun to explode. If it did, it’d be an easy way to go. Would happen in an instant. It’d probably be the best way. I can’t steal any more time. Why? Time was never mine in the first place. Honestly, I’ve missed. I’ve missed big time

Memory is shot. Memory is shot. And God do I feel like a shot in the head right now. Nobody is calling. And when I’ve called, I’ve panicked. And the twists. My brain must be built by a guy with a maze in mind. Neverending winding tunnels of wind and always searching for cheese that I can’t seem to find. Just followed the voice to reason, and when I got there, I realized that for God’s sake, I’ve been chasing my own. Please someone, read it all. Read it all tomorrow. Read something I stole so many times. Read the time. Recoil. I’ve not got any ammo. Who am I, and what do I want from me? I’m truly alone here, truly alone. That’s even worse than silence. Then the silence sang. It sounded cold, sharp, and round. I realize I can’t stop. Until something does. And it doesn’t stop until after I do. That’s where life goes.