Well

Since

The time is passing.

I don’t know if I should share this story. But here it is. Years ago, when I lived at home, my mother and sister got into a fight with me caught in the middle. I started pacing, panicking really, and ended up going outside to the backyard of the house to try and get away from the yelling. Someone locked me outside. It was the middle of winter, and I was in a t-shirt. I was still elevated and instead of going back into the fight, I jumped the 8 foot fence and left. I was freezing – I didn’t know where to go. I walked for an hour in sub-zero temperature with no idea where I was going. Somehow in the recesses of my mind I guess I remembered that this hotel I had been to before, one in the distance I found, so I went in, frozen to the bone. I hadn’t my wallet or cellphone. But they had a fire in the lobby. So I sat all night at that fire and eventually fell asleep with nobody disturbing me. In the morning when I woke up, someone asked me if I was OK. I woke up delirious, but called home and told them I was ok. My family. I don’t remember where or when or how I got home. But this theme of fleeing these situations has pervaded my life. I fell asleep in a hospital lobby once. In an air bnb. All I know now is that when I wake up, or maybe anyone, I should be careful. I forgive quick, and the situations just keep happening. Maybe I should stop trying to fix the problem and just accept. I can’t fix other people. I just need to be safe and warm, and from that, I realize I really do need to apologize perhaps. I have woken you many times and you are just trying to get out of situations too. I don’t know why I shared that. It’s just a silly thought. Just a thought. Some reason I could hope to offer help, if it’s not just a thought to keep to myself. Or maybe an explanation to why I really don’t know myself, or what damage I can do.